The most important moment was admitting that I needed help.
When I signed up for the forum and started my education about the eating disorder, I couldn’t believe it was real. And I saw hope. So, it is an illness, and it doesn’t define me. I am normal. It may sound unreal, but I thought that ED defined my life. I never imagined that I could suffer from an eating disorder. I have learned to live with it. Until it disappeared when I got pregnant with Nicole and returned five years later; that was the first Eureka moment. That was the conscious, once and for good, recovery time. If I have naturally recovered once, I can recover again. This time for good.
I read every e-mail, and I read Shaye’s life story, every word, bit by bit. The forum doesn’t exist today. It was for me and other people who needed it then and there.
On the contrary, I never met any therapist or dietician on my path, and the only source of healing was that forum and Shaye’s Boddington program. But I am a good student. That is and always has been my strength. I listen.
I am not a doctor, and I don’t discourage you from seeing a therapist. Everything happens for a reason, and it happens that I never had a therapist so I could experience the full-blown illness, recover from it and share this story. But if I met a good therapist on my path years ago, I would not have suffered for that long. If you are reading my story now, you also found me for a reason. Maybe you need someone to talk to, feel lost, and help figuring out what to do next. I am grateful that you have found this blog and that I can share my story. I hope it will help you find your way, just like I once found mine. I want to thank you for taking the time to read my story.
And that time, I listened too. I realised that I must recover, and I can recover, and I want to recover! That became my only desire.
I started studying the neural pathways and neuroscience behind it. I was reading and reading. The Minnesota Starvation Experiment, The restrictive eating disorders, and the effects that restricting food has on our bodies.
I found it very helpful to visualize a field of tall grass. For years, I have carved out a pathway in that field, which became my path with eating disorders.
But I chose to recover and made a new neuropathway through that field. Now, I have created a new path. And the more I walked that path, the more visible it became. And that old pathway started disappearing.
Until it disappeared completely.
Without recovering, I couldn’t live the way I dreamed of. I couldn’t be a happy mum or a successful businesswoman. My children’s future was in my hands, and I could not afford to lose my life for some idiotic disorder! That was not happening. I decided to give it all! I decided to fight, to heal, to win my life back. It is my life.
I wrote two pages in my diary – one black, with ED in my life and one – free of ED, with butterflies, flowers and a full sun. I have chosen to follow the bright path.
I Phase – the re-feeding phase, the Honeymoon
Phase one was hard, as I experienced Edema, which is water retention, and even if it wasn’t that visible, I felt anxious. I was wearing loose clothes. I threw away the scale, stopped checking my body in the mirror and accepted my body dysmorphic disorder.
But the most difficult was the structured eating of six meals per day and eliminating bad food from my list. The journey began with many ups and downs. I followed the most important principles:
The Principles
- All food is good. Eliminate the bad list step by step. Eat all food in a structured way.
- If I was hungry, I was eating—whether that was my mind hunger or body hunger. If I thought I was eating too much, I trusted my body. I was never “eating too much” during recovery. That was the main principle. Even if I ate three breakfasts in one go, if that was what my body wanted, here we go! I listened. Step by step, I was becoming more mindful than I could imagine and more self-aware. Step by step, my body and mind re-connected with my subconscious.
- I trusted my body as never before. I accepted all cravings. I owed that to myself. I was scared and anxious but respected and listened to my mind. Each time I slipped, it was because the old pathways took over. Initially, it was hard for me. I felt guilty and blamed myself. But slowly, those moments were fainting away.
- I threw away the scale, and I hope that is self-explanatory! Am I a meat for sale? Nope.
- I stopped counting calories, and I never counted them again. Truly, after 35 years of calorie count, if I ever hear, “How many calories does this food have?” I say No more. What matters is that I am happy and satisfied after my meal.
- I had to stop exercising as my body screamed for rest. It was my big trigger, which was making me slip during 1st and 2nd phases of my recovery.
One of the nasty trigger
The worst moment was always when I returned from a trip or holiday. I was so hungry in my mind, and it was hard to say, “My body needs it. Let it happen”. But it was what I needed, and I had to let go. Each time I was slightly out of balance, I slipped. I had to watch my eating times; I made sure I was eating regularly. I was preparing my meals, which were full of nutrition. I ate six times daily, including a good snack, a cake, or chocolate.
Phase two of my recovery – Neuropathways reinforcement
After a while, my body was fed up with chocolate, and I had to take a break from it. And that was when my positive recovery signs kicked in. My mind and body trusted me. What is the point of craving this food if I can have it whenever desire? “Don’t think about the blue tree. What did you think about? Blue tree, of course. If you want to stop constantly falling into a cycle of starving and eating, stop starving. Initially, it will be hard, as our bodies don’t know that there is food at every corner. But after a while, our mind and body will trust us again. Give it a time.
My food was and always is healthy and good. The ED allowed me to gain massive knowledge about all the nutrition in every meal. I completely stopped counting calories. I was fed up with counting calories my whole life. I wanted to experience complete freedom, a total balance and a healthy relationship with food. I slowly started eating what I wanted, not based on calorie intake but on taste and nutrition. I started cooking and eating dinners like normal people do. I was at the table with my children, enjoying a meal.
I cooked breakfast every morning, and we always ate breakfast together. I woke up before 6 am to prepare hot porridge with bananas and dates for the children and me. Sometimes, I cooked three different breakfasts, as my children wanted something different. But I always, at all times, made sure that we ate a good breakfast. That was my safety anchor, my morning chore.
During my worst ED times, my dinner consisted of apples and water. So, having a baked chicken with sweet potatoes, asparagus, and salad was a great shift. Introducing fats, carbs, and proteins to my meals felt like a dream.
I stopped exercising; I needed over a year to heal my most broken parts. Even after a year, I started slowly, only going for short mountain walks. My body was letting me know what I could do. Thanks to patience, I have built self-love and trust. I was learning to love myself. It felt like I didn’t love myself enough and didn’t listen to my inner child, who so much wanted to be taken care of. And my inner little Kasia was screaming for so long.
By eliminating my triggers, I healed. I was getting stronger and in balance.
The last phase of my recovery: Full Recovery
This phase was not a day event. It was not clearly visible. It was a slow process. Initially, I counted days, then weeks, without a relapse, without a bad day. Then I was counting months and then years. After five years, I stopped counting. And when I look back, ED sounds like a distant memory, unreal, Like it wasn’t even there in the first place.
I learned to cook great dinners. My meals started being healthy and full of all the nutrition. I use healthy oils for my cooking. I eat fish, meat and bread. And I always have a nice treat after dinner or lunch. My body’s cravings stopped. If I feel I need something sweet, I have it. If I feel like baking a cake, I bake it. I eat all the food. I cook.
My life is balanced. I came back to climbing, cycling, swimming and Yoga. I meditate. I choose what I want to eat and how I want to eat it. I respect my meal times. I always eat at the table. I cook all my meals, and I have built healthy habits. It took my whole life to build them. But during recovery, I improved them and re-introduced all of the good foods. I also enjoy eating out from time to time. Eating out doesn’t bother me any longer. Eating doesn’t bother me any longer.
I gained my life back. The life I remember when I was 12. Happy, smiling and enjoying life. I have always loved life but learned to live with a massive struggle. And now the struggle was gone. I was free. And I am till now. It’s been over 10 years. And I am proof that you can live a happy, fully balanced, and healthy life.
There are four very important advantages I gained thanks to my experience when I recovered:
- I can never diet again. That is rule number one. The red line has been crossed, and that means if I ever restrict again, there is a risk of relapse. But do I want to? Of course not. I am in a perfect balance with my body and mind, and yes, I can say that it is perfect! Once recovered, you will never be on the eating disorder spectrum; like thousands of people who diet and are never pleased, try to control their weight, diet again and so on. I do not diet, and I never will. I love my balance, my life, and the total freedom that recovery has given me. Thanks to recovery, I gained trust in my body and mind, mindfulness and self-awareness.
- My food is healthy – I don’t think about what to eat or whether it is healthy. My diet is healthy and balanced, and there is nothing I don’t want to eat that would trigger me.
- I completely don’t think about weight any more. To be honest, I don’t care. I feel healthy. I am healthy.
- I don’t link my life problems with food. I disconnected these two events completely. It was part of my healing process. It wasn’t in any book or any blog. In my opinion, the main reason for the restrictive eating disorder is restricting food. If you work on that part and build a healthy relationship with food, you will never escape numbing your emotions because the hunger will be gone.
Thanks to recovery, we gain a complete body-mind balance that many can only dream of.
And the most important is that I have gained my life back!
Kasia
The Power in You 